Cadburies Dairy Milk – Bio-Prototype?

Today, my girlfriend, who’s German, asked me “What does Dairy Milk mean?”

I knew immediately what she was getting at, cos we’d bought 2 blocks of Cadburies DM Chocolate, when last over in England. And anyway is there anyone other than Cadbury who uses such a stupid term as Dairy Milk?

Mr. Cadbury (Junior), please tell me, what is the difference then between Dairy Milk and normal milk? Oh, I see, Dairy Milk comes from a dairy does it, hence the name?! Oh, do pardon me, how silly I am. Well, WHERE DOES NORMAL BLOODY MILK COME FROM THEN, A COW???

Or perhaps I’m missing the point? Maybe normal milk comes from Tesco’s or Sainsburies?!? Yeah, I can see the point now; Cadburies Tesco’s Milk Chocolate just doesn’t have the same ring, does it? And Cadburies Sainsburies Milk Chocolate is also a bit of a mouthful. What about Cadburies Fresh From The Milkman Every Morning On Your Doorstep Milk Chocolate??? Nah, just doesn’t scan does it. So, we get Cadburies Dairy Milk Chocalate, presumably to emphasise the freshness and purity of the milk?

But isn’t that in itself a bit of an anomoly. Think of a dairy. What do you see? Some sterile and clinical building, rows of cows lined up behind bars with more tubes coming from them than a road traffic accident victim in intensive care and lots of shiny stainless steel? And that’s good? That’s something to hold in awe? Well, I have to say I don’t actually have any qualms with it personally, but, the point is, in this Eco-Aware age we live in, you’d think (well actually, we know!) it’s not everybody’s idea of how to source a nice glass of fresh cold milk.

So just what was Mr. Cadbury (Senior) thinking, when he decided to market his chocolate on the basis that the milk comes from a dairy? I can only assume that back then dairies had that earthy and unhygienic quaintness about them that makes Bio products such a cult hit today?!?

Eco-Repro – Ecologically friendly child reproduction

All this talk of global warming. Heard the latest? The Siberian peat bogs are melting, which could have catastrophic effects. So what are YOU doing to help the environment? asks the BBC.

My God, all those twee responses! “I’m vegetarian, walk everywhere and don’t shop at supermarkets any more” gloats one Good citizen. I had to chuckle, I honestly thought it was a piss-take at first (a lá “I don’t consume or do anything therefore I’m not a burden on the planet’s resources”) until I read the whole thing through. But of course, in this day and age, the reader in question will be highly commended for her noble actions, whilst the rest of us are conditioned to have nightmares of being roasted to death in the microwave oven, should we even consider eco-unfriendly actions such as having too many fairy lights on the Christmas tree (actually, I do believe that many people should be roasted to death, with the turkey, for their tacky “Christmas illuminations”, but that’s another tale…).

Well here’s a thought; what am I doing for the planet? Well, I’m having sex. That’s my bit for mankind! Healthy, joyful and unadulterated sex. Well OK, not just sex for the sake of sex, but moreover sex for the sake of having kids. “So what?!” I hear, “We all do that”. Well, correction I’m sorry. We don’t all do that (sex for the sake of having kids, I mean!) and this is what I find most poignant. Or repugnant?!?
We all try to be eco-friendly; we all do our recycling, or maybe organise car-pools in the office and some may subscribe to eco-friendly power providers. But we don’t all try to have kids. And nobody gives a toss!!! Now, anybody who suggests he or she doesn’t give a shit about global warming or the planet’s resources is invariably treated with scorn, but say you don’t want to have kids and people just accept it! Well look, considering global warming, take the worst case scenario; we personally (that’s you and I who live here today) will all be long gone by the time global warming causes any major catastrophy. And when will that be? Two or three hundred years from now? Well, let’s say as close as 100 years if this Siberian bog thing is as serious as scientists say. But still… we’ll all be bloody dead, so what’s the problem?!?

OK, of course I’m just playing devil’s advocate… Fact is, if not our grandchildren, then almost certainly their grandchildren, could (oh, or their childrens’ childrens’ grandchildren of course), within their lifetime (or even their childrens’ grandchildrens’ childrens’ childrens’ grandchildren), experience grave consequences of global warming. Yes. So we’re doing it for them. And what have they ever done for us? …ups sorry, wrong line of argument… No, the point is, that, presumably, is why people get so emotional about global warming.

So why do I consider having sex, reproducing, having a family or whatever you want to call it, doing my bit for the environment? Well firstly I find it ironic that anybody who claims not to do anything to help the environment is held in contempt. Most likely he or she will face the typical accusation “If everybody thought like you…”. Well… yes? I’m listening. What if everyone thought like that? What would happen, please? Rhetiric question. I know what would happen. In only several hundred years, the earth would become an inhabitable place. Unpleasant yes, but here’s my point, after all that…

Consider the person who doesn’t want kid – are they held in contempt? No, perish the thought. “Why should I have kids?” he or she quite rightly asks. “It’s my freedom of choice”. Of course it is and everybody would/does respect that and nobody would consider asking “And what if everybody thought like you…”.

Nobody except me, that is.

Isn’t it rather hypocritical to criticise people of being eco-unfriendly without also criticising the repro-unfriendly? Because just what would happen if everybody thought like that and refused to bring new offspring into the world. Global warming becomes irrelevant, because there’d be nobody left in 100 years or so!

Stupid UK Ebay Users

The following is a ficticious, yet highly representative Email exchange between me (Ebay-Buyer) and any typical UK Ebay-Seller:

• Ebay-Seller: Hi, thanks for buying my bottletop collection. Please send the cheque to blah, blah, blah, UK.
• Ebay-Buyer: I want to pay buy bank transfer please or are you going to refund me my cheque postage fees?
• S: Huh? Are you feeling alright mate? Just post the bloody cheque!
• B: No, I want to transfer the money electronically (it’s safer than sending cash through the post). Please send me your account details.
• S: It’s not cash it’s a cheque!
• B: A cheque is as good as cash to whoever intercepts it. Never heard of cheque forgery? Please send your account details.

Advantage Buyer

• S: I don’t give out my bank details. Send me a cheque.
• B: That’s rich! What abot the old addage about treating others as you would expect to be treated yourself?
• S: You really are a sandwich short mate aren’t you?!? What about it?
• B: Ever buy stuff on Ebay?
• S: Sure.
• B: And do *you* pay by cheque, as you’re demanding of me?
• S: Course I do, what makes you think I wouldn’t?
• B: You said you don’t give out your account details!!!

Game, set and match, Buyer.
Q.E.D.

Cheque-Mate, you could say!

Jacking off in the Blog

Hahaha oh god, wait, let me just pick myself up of the floor, I’m so hysterical with laughter. The real irony of cyber-masterbating into yr sad little blog has just hit me. Cos considering how many people are going to bother reading Yet Another Blog it actually makes them a haven of security!

I mean, where exactly do you save that “remeber_this.txt” file with all those passwords and PINs that nobody should read. Well sure, you could store em somewhere deep down below the Documents folder of your Home directory. If you’re really clever you could call the file “nothing_of_interest_whatsoever.txt” and store it somewhere like ~/Library/ColorSync/Profiles. What spotty teenage hacker will ever think of looking there?!! But it’s all still a bit risky, what with content search indexes and stuff. When all’s said and done, however well you try to hide such a file on yr comp, it’s still coupled with the probability of falling into the wrong hands way in excess of, woah I dunno, let’s say… winning the lottery!!!

So no, there’s really only one safe place, which gaurantees nobody will EVER discover your secret information. Yes, of course, you guessed it… a blog!!! What stable minded person with an IQ high enough to know what to do with the sensitive information would ever ever possibly consider reading Yet Another Blog. You data is safer than the Crown Jewels!

Which got me thinking… all that porn I’ve got hidden away on my computer away from my girlfriend’s prying eyes, well I could just upload it here couldn’t I. What better place for all that porn than the very refuge of cyber-masterbation itself!!!

Load of blogs

Blogs. Fucking blogs. What an utter load of bollocks. I’m sorry. But really, is there anything in the world much sadder and pointless than a blog? Standing on platform 2 of Crewe station noting train numbers might come close. At least it gets you out in the fresh air though.

I really don’t get all this current hype about blogs. They’re nothing new. All they are an idiot friendly version of existing technology, making it easier to everyone to cyber-masterbate.

You’ve got a headload of opionated view that nobody really gives a toss about. What are your options?

1) You could keep a diary.

Could do, but let’s face it, it would be a bit boring and you’d have to leave the diary “lying around” in the hope that visitors to your house read your boring philosophies.

2) You could spout them off to your mates in the pub.

This is what people have been doing for years and let’s face it, it works. Now and again it might land you a fist in the face, but more often than not it’s the foundation for a few laughs and some good old debate.

3) You could build a website to publicise your ideas.

For most people, sounds too much like hardwork, but is certainly a viable option and is really not that difficult.

4) You could find a forum to opinionate in.

Again, a perfectly viable solution. Nowadays there are forums for all sorts of topics. Drawback is, there are usually lot’s of people belonging to a forum and chances are you’ll be ignored.

5) Start a blog.

Basically nothing more than a web-forum where you can publicly leave your diary thoughts “lying around”, but one where *you* are King. Requires little technical knowlege to put online – an idiot friendly incarnation of existing technology, making it easier to cyber-masterbate!!!

So yes, the astute of you will have probably long since noted the paradox of me using a blog as a platform to slate them. Well yes, paradoxical it’s true, but therein lies the justification of my claim. Let me briefly explain.

Why this blog at all, if they’re so crap? Basically because I don’t believe in hollow words. If your gonna criticise something then criticise it based on facts. And facts can be gathered by experience. So, after reading so much recently about how blogs are so fabulous and gonna save the world I thought I try it out and ended up quite randomly here. And as it so happens, I’m full of opinionated bullshit too, so what better way to offload some of it than by trying out this blog crap.

As I see it, from this point on, there are a finite number of outcomes:

1) Nobody will read this.

That’s what I expect and it will prove my theory that blogs are nothing more than cyber-masterbation.

2) Only a few will read it but none will give a toss about it, or just consider me a moron.

Again, theory proven. You’d be correct to consider me a moron because only a moron would keep a blog.

3) Only a few will read it and they’ll sympathise with my sentiments.

I doubt it, but even if that’s the case, doesn’t prove that “blogging” is either big or clever or useful. On the contrary, obviously I’m not the only one who thinks this way.

4) Loads and loads of you will read this and a healthy debate will ensue.

Now, I really can’t see that happening. But if it does happen then there must be some extremely sad people out there, lacking in social contact.

And whatever the outcome, I’ll obviously remain the smug little opinionated arse that I am, just like everybody else with a blog!